I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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