Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
