dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
