My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
