dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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