You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
