I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
