The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
