Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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