Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He better not be in your backpack
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
