dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
