life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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