we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
