May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
