She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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