Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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