Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
