i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize