True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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