I puked a lego.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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