I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize