Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize