Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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