I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
