eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Randomize
