things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
