i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
