i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
