Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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