Umm I'm too high to move.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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