I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
