can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
