omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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