No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
