Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
