I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
