I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
