Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
