meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
