I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
