Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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