If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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