Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
