All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
