I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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