Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
