My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
