No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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