I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
