Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
