Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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