boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
