I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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