Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
