So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
