I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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