tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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